For years the Ultimate Warrior has been an enigma. His eccentric behavior, in and out of the ring, has led many to believe that he’s an unstable nut job who escaped from a mental institution years ago. Others think that he is a tortured genius, and merely struggles with his own perception of the world. And, there are some that believe he is as normal as they come, and his persona is an act he uses to keep himself a topic of discussion years after his prime. While these are all valid arguments, I believe that they are all wrong.

You see, in my life I have spent a lot of time dealing with a certain group of people. During college I worked in a facility that assisted these kinds of individuals, and I believe that my experience in this field has made me familiar with this sort of behavior. I don’t believe the Warrior is crazy. I don’t think he’s a genius either. I don’t even think he’s putting on an act just to keep us guessing what he’ll do next.

I think the Ultimate Warrior is mentally retarded.

The evidence is there. If you look at it in the proper context, it all makes sense. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look…

Exhibit A: His Wrestling Style

The Ultimate Warrior was never the greatest technician. It’s almost if he created his style after watching a 2-year-old drink a gallon of soda and bounce around on a trampoline for an hour. His skills were limited at best, using over-the-top power moves to mask his lack of talent. He was so one-dimensional that he made Pong seem like a CGI 3D adventure. In short, the Ultimate Warrior was as good at wrestling as Ric Flair is at staying married.

But, What if the Ultimate Warrior is Retarded?

If the Ultimate Warrior is retarded than his lack of skill can be forgiven, and his minimal abilities can be seen as huge achievements for someone with his mental capacity. It would explain his inability to learn simple wrestling holds, and would make sense of the whole rope-shaking thing.

But, if the Ultimate Warrior is indeed mentally retarded, it was probably really irresponsible to put him in a situation where he was accountable for other people’s safety. Hindsight suggests we were pretty lucky he never learned how to wrestle. Most mentally challenged adults have a hard time understanding basic math and spelling. Now try and teach a handicapped individual the proper way to administer a headlock. With a mix of steroids and “retard strength” he’d rip his opponent’s head off and then try to make soup out of it.

Exhibit B: His Promos

During his early days in the WWE, the Warrior was given free reign of how his promos and interviews were conducted. He used this artistic freedom to make the television audience his own personal therapist, and said basically whatever came to his mind. These erratic, nonsensical promos have lead many to believe the Warrior is nothing short of a freaking lunatic…

You’re more likely to get a coherent sentence out of Joaquin Phoenix after an eight day cocaine bender than connect the dots in an Ultimate Warrior promo. Lately he’s taken his verbal diarrhea on the road and became a conservative motivational speaker, which is curious because his expertise was never in public speaking, but in psychotic rambling.

But, What if the Ultimate Warrior is Retarded?

Most normally functioning people have access to their own personal mental editing equipment. This keeps inappropriate thoughts from escaping the brain, and into a world where throwing a wedding party for your cats is usually frowned upon. Mentally handicapped individuals do not have this equipment. So if a retarded person were to exclaim that the next U.S. President should be a bowl of jello, no one would be surprised.

So if the Warrior is retarded, than these are no longer the ravings of a deranged mind, but the random observations of a guy that thinks its okay to use magic marker to draw on his face.

Exhibit C: Name Change

In 1993 the man formally known as Jim Hellwig legally changed his name to Warrior in order to retain the legal rights to use the name outside the WWF. Some might see this as a sign that the Warrior has taken his character too far and is living in a delusional world. Others see this circumvention of litigation as a mockery of the legal system. Either way, it’s widely considered that changing your legal name to Warrior might not be a great move personally, or professionally.

Usually I would agree that extreme name changes are stupid, but his name is Warrior. I don’t care how crazy it might look, that name is bad-ass. What makes it even better is that his name applies to the whole family, so his children carry the Warrior name as their legal surname. His kids are Joe, and Jane Warrior. His wife is Mrs. Warrior. He's Mr. Warrior, or if you're a friend just The Warrior.

And, that’s just…that’s just fucking awesome.

But, What if the Ultimate Warrior is Retarded?

Many retarded individuals have the mental equivalency of a child. One thing children like to do is play pretend, and make up crazy names for themselves while they act out their fantasies. If the Warrior is retarded, than all he is doing is making his fantasy official.

What retardation takes away in intellectual development more than makes up for it with gigantic balls. Not having the intelligence to understand why something is inappropriate gives you the freedom to live life however you want. I wish I had the boldness to change my name to an alias I used as a child. Things would be so much more awesome if I did…

Exhibit D: His Writing

Because of persistent attacks by the wrestling community, the Warrior started his own blog where he could discuss his personal views and opinions. He calls it “Warrior’s Machete” and he uses it to combat the wrestling-related media from taking his words out of context. You can see he’s doing a stellar job of not come across as crazy…

From “Warrior’s Machete”;

“My name is Warrior. I live by a warrior philosophy of life conceived by unique physical life experiences, serious introspection, and many years of enlightened self-study. My Creator endowed me with naturally high testosterone levels, unusual self-discipline, stalwart refusal to compromise right with wrong, and a very low tolerance for hypocrites, liars, enablers, piecemeal practice of principle, emasculated males, political-correctness, and oppressive, anti-freedom caca that doesn’t work in the private backyard of my own individual life. I am a “Being” Created with the ability to judge, so I do. I am a male also inspired by men who have held greater ideals and have done much greater things than any of us who are living today.”

For those who argue that the Warrior is a nut job, this blog is a goldmine of evidence. He bashes everything and everyone, and makes horribly inappropriate comments about people. Here is what he had to say about Heath Ledger…

“By today’s standard, though, I do have to agree that he was a great father…After all, Leather Hedger did what it took to kill himself. His kid is without a father, yes, but the negative influence is now removed and his own child has the chance for a full recovery.”

His eloquent views on homosexuality…

“I must tell you I have watched Brokeback Mountain no less than 45 times and I own the Limited Edition DVD, signed by Willie Nelson a short time after he wrote that queer cowboy song as a tribute to the courage of the producers and actors who broke such incredible creative ground when they made their agenda-less movie. Serious. Until I saw Bendover Brokeback, Braveheart was my favorite movie. But the love scenes of Brokeback sucked me right in and I had no choice but to give myself over to the passion of its wide open range, if you get my drift.”

...that contradicts one of his previous quotes…

"Queering don't make the world work."

Even for the internet, the stuff he writes is pretty dreadful. I’ve read Mein Kampf and even I find this shit a bit much. This is the kind of stuff you find written at a gas station bathroom wall, sandwiched between racial remarks and phone numbers with blow job offers.

But, What if the Ultimate Warrior is Retarded?

If he’s retarded than his comments can be forgiven because he has the mental capacity of a grape fruit. If you find it hard to believe that a mentally handicapped individual could maintain his own website without any assistance, then you haven’t been on the internet very long because it’s full of retards sharing their opinions.

Exhibit E: His Art

Many former wrestlers seek out new ventures after they retire from the squared circle. For the Warrior, he found that art was his true talent. Regrettably, he has no idea what the word “talent” actually means…

He made these with oils and a knife, and you can buy them for the totally-worth-it price of $2,950. It looks like he sneezed on a canvas and moved the snot around until it looked like something. No rational mind would put a price tag that high on something so horrifyingly bad. I’d rather use that money to buy one-hundred and forty-seven DVD copies of Under Siege. At least then I’d feel like I got something for my money.

But, What if the Ultimate Warrior is Retarded?

Remember the statement I made earlier that mentally retarded adults have the minds of children? When a child draws a picture, no matter how bad it is, a good parent will go ape-shit over how good it is and then hang it on the refrigerator to give the child a sense of pride and accomplishment. The internet is the Warrior’s refrigerator, and we are the schmucks that have to congratulate him for staying in the lines.

-Dr. Flex Rocket-Thrower

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