Men aren’t scared of a lot of things. Think of it as perpetual job security. Need a spider squished? Call a man. Storm outside keeping you awake? Call a man. Wondering if you look fat in a dress that is obviously two sizes too small for your saddle bag hips? Call a man. It’s part of our creed. Beer, porn, Star Wars, and having no fear is the life blood of being a male homo sapien. It’s what we do.
Yet, there is one thing that all men agree scares us. That one thing that causes a primitive fear in the pits of our bellies…
Let’s face it, the vagina is one scary looking crab-faced succubus sponge-thing that men do not understand nor do we want to understand it. For Christ’s sake it bleeds for days and does not die! That’s something out of Greek mythology! As males we do not have said vagina nor do we want it. It baffles us. And yet, we are drawn to it by our primitive urges to fuck to see what lays inside…and even then, the mystery still remains. What truly lies within those fluffy lips of Satan?
In olden times various cultures around the world came up for the fear men have of the vagina. A basic fear that when we stick our man meat in there, it won’t come back. They called it vagina dentate, or the toothed vagina.
"Artist’s Rendition of the Vagina"
After all, men have no clue how the vagina works or what does lie inside. If a man had a vagina that rubix cube would have been solved in roughly sixteen seconds, but without true unbridled access to the vagina no guy really knows what lies within.
In 2007, Mitchell Lichtenstein (a name I only reference because it’s ethnically awesome) decided to cash in on this primordial fear of the vagina when he created the indie film Teeth.
"Every rose has its thorns."
Teeth is the story of young Dawn O’Keefe who has a very special secret: her vagina has razor sharp chompers and goes on to chronicle her acceptance of her “special” incisors. The movie is more or less a cautionary tale on the evils of vaginal wrath and penile castration with just a touch of women suffrage that would make any James Joyce Coming-of-Age story jealous.
The story goes something like this… Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a young lady who has heard one too many Jordan Sparks’ records and believes in the idea of promise rings (read: saving one’s virginity for his or her wedding night, awwwww) and goes to local churches and speaks about the importance of not letting people dabble in your pooder. Unfortunately for Dawn, however, she’s got quite the hots for her boy friend, Tobey (Hale Appleman). And though she preaches the gospel of ‘If You Can’t Wait Masturbate’, she’s finding it harder and harder to resist her sexy pseudo-Jewish boy toy. And, just as things begin to get a little too hot-and-heavy for Dawn, she lets her special mandible munchers realize the fear of every living man on Earth when she makes Tobey become a few inches shorter.
From there Dawn has to come to grips with her new found ability (what do you think her X-Men name would be? My vote is for Shark Lips.) and how she can live her life without getting freaked out every time she has a bratwurst.
The movie also stars Matt from Nip/Tuck and a bunch of other people that’ll never make another movie again in their lives. Oh, and a squirm-inducing scene to the gynecologist that is both hilarious and horrifically fucked up.
Though Teeth preys upon the fears of every male on the planet and will make you wince on many occasions (I found myself cupping my testes like they were a present on my seventh birthday many times) Teeth is a great horror/comedy in the vein of classics like Evil Dead II and Killer Klowns From Outer Space.
So if you have the stomach to face the ultimate man-fear of the vagina and can stand a
little some a lot shit-load of squirming, I suggest you give Teeth a try. Though, if biting vaginas just aren’t your thing, just remember: masturbating solves the whole problem.
"Vaginas be damned."
-The Canadian Hero
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