I feel I need to make something abundantly clear right off the bat here: pornography is more than just a tool for masturbation. It is not just low-budget films and photography used to whack your weasel to. Pornography is an art, with its own mystique, drama, and various strap-on equipment.

Granted, it may not be exactly up there on the social totem pole of life, but porno, in any way, shape, or kinky position, is a part of the very fabric that holds our nation together.

For those of you who may not be overly educated in the porn (read: Mormon), let me give you a rough breakdown of what transpires during one of these fabled cinematic delights:

1. Attractive woman is busying herself around her house/apartment/barn, usual is either naked or scantily clad, and is with or without a sexy female counterpart.

2. There is a knock at the door, and an over-stimulated, muscle-bound TV repairman/pizza delivery guy/professional bowler is standing there when the door is opened.

3. Finding no harm is being nude; the woman lets the complete stranger in to fix her “broken thingy.”

4. Over the span of two minutes or so, our male lead, busy fixing some sort of electrical gizmo, usually becomes “hot” and removes his shirt.

5. Woman becomes horny.

6. Man is already horny (see: Man’s Existence, p9).

7. The two (or three if you paid the extra couple bucks…or donkey if you paid a lot of extra bucks), then deal in some form of foreplay, which, in turn, leads to making “naughty.”

8. Then the whole ordeal culminates in some form of ejaculation, otherwise known as a “money shot.”

Really the basic fundamentals and psychology of pornography is rather rudimentary: basically it’s a chick with big who-whos riding a guy who has been blessed with an oversized winky. Well, that is, to the untrained eye…

Deep within its milky-white layers, porn has true substance, and its there that you can find it’s hidden dichotomy.

Dichotomy, by the way, for those of you out there in TBE Land that may not be familiar with today’s Word of the Day, is, basically, the psychology and understanding of one force fighting another force.

Therefore, I present to you:

And just to clarify, I’m going to use my little breakdown I did earlier (scroll up if you have the memory of a 86 year old) to help demonstrate my points.

Like all movies or forms of literature, we begin with a simple exposition. Our hero, who we’ll consider is the female lead, lives an ordinary life with ordinary dreams, ordinary ambitions, and an ordinary lack of under garments. However, something has gone wrong in her sorority cheerleader life. Something of value has gone kapoot, and because of this, she has called in assistance from the outside world.

Enter our aggressor. We’ll consider the male lead the aggressor instead of an antagonist for the simple fact the male means no true harm upon the woman, that and it’s a funny word that made me laugh.

Fast-forward a bit, and we have the aggressor seducing our poor heroine. She is quickly falling victim for his machismo ways. Yet, when the viewer reaches step 7 (“The Act of Foreplay”), we have a change in our roles.

The woman, who had previously been timid, shy, and, for all intends and purposes, tighter than a snare drum, suddenly becomes the aggressor. Suddenly it is her needs that must be, not only established, but also met with vigor and a vibrating banana. This switch in dichotomy turns our once aggressive walking hard on, into a pussy licked whipped coward.

So they go about their tongue exercises for a while, and then it happens again. We once again have a complete flip-flop of our dichotomy. Suddenly our subdued male decides to take back the reigns of control, this time the woman is to…y’ah know “pleasure him orally.”

We’ll fast-forward again a bit, obviously we don’t need to go over the knitty-gritty of this part too much – pretty self-explanatory.

However, we certainly can’t ignore what happens next, for it is the key part to this whole bloody thing (no pun intended). The woman had become the aggressor and user of the two, then, the opposite occurred. The two had seemingly both commanded their desire, there is nowhere else for this situation to go…or is there. The two must then partake in an act that separates pornography from that of regular film…

The two form a common bond and join forces, ending our dichotomy.

What started out as intimidation and seduction, led to domination, which was the precursor of more domination, more seduction, and of course some testicle gargling, which all came together (once again, the puns come unknowingly…really, they do) into a final act of passion, community, and sticking one’s penis into another’s rectum.

Porn is an underused tool in our society…in the world. We can all learn just a little bit more from watching and learning from it. From women’s rights and equality, to the decrease of racial tension and the joys of the “cowboy” position, pornography shall be our saving grace.

Only through pornography can humanity find true peace and harmony.

…or at least that’s what I tell my mom if she ever catches me watching it.

-The Canadian Hero

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